Under Your Skin
by Forrest DeWinter
Summary: Sam was starting to ignore Lucifer, that was until Lucifer started to use a much more disturbing tactic to get Sammy's attention. Can Dean pull his brother out of his broken and tortured mind? Or will he want nothing more to do with him once he truly sees into the depths of Sam's darkest secrets? Wincest.
1. The Nightmare

**Prologue**

 **The Nightmare.**

Dean's eyes shot open. Met by the pre-dawn light filtering through the thin motel curtains he could feel the sweat gently rolling down his face. He had long ago trained his body, even in sleep, not to sit bolt upright after a nightmare, even a particularly vivid one like this. He wiped a rough hand over his face then let his arm fall heavily back down onto the queen sized bed. Turning his head to the right he looked over at his brother in the other bed still sound asleep, his face slightly obscured by his long dark hair. Looking back up to the ceiling Dean sighed a long drawn out tired sound. It had been almost five years ago, why did his brain keep torturing him with something that happened so long ago? Sure, he could understand why the average person might dwell on or even obsess over something so traumatic. But Dean was not said average person; he had witnessed enough in his lifetime to send even the sanest person screaming to the nearest nut house, andhe was ok about that, most of the time. But then, every once in a while when he was sleeping deeply, when it was his only real chance to recharge and relax, when he should be getting a break God damn it, his brain would refuse to play ball! This is when the nightmare would begin. Oh, Dean had nightmares all the time, no surprise there really. He would probably be more worried if he stopped having them; maybe it would mean his mind had finally become ok with what he saw on a daily basis, become ok with what he had to do to keep as many people as safe as possible; keeping them all alive while slowing letting a piece of him die every time. Wow, he was being far too emotionally deep for this time in the morning,he let out a huff at his own self-indulgence, better not let Sam know, he'd be booking them in for couple's therapy.

But Dean hadn't just had any nightmare, he had had _the_ nightmare, five years and still it was technicolour, HD, surround sound, quality goodness; fun for all the family, if the family were all sick, psychopathic sons of bitches. He looked over again at his still peacefully sleeping younger brother, all wrapped up warm and cosy in the cheap motel blankets. Dean felt sudden anger towards his sibling; sure he knew it was irrational, it wasn't Sam's fault but it didn't change the fact one of them was obviously still scarred by the event and at this moment it sure wasn't sleeping beauty over there. "Damn it, pull it together Dean!" he shouted in his head, his royally fucked up head. Five years and how many times had he had to relive the whole event in his sleep, a hundred times? A thousand? Dean's mind quickly pictures himself locked up in a psych ward, a scratch on the wall for every time he'd had _the_ Nightmare. "Well that's healthy" he thought absent-mindedly, unable to suppress a minute curling of his lips. Oh good, now even his own questionable mental state was a subject he could laugh at, that was a sign of a stable mind! At least he still had his bullet proof sense of sarcasm he reasoned.

"Why this memory?" he barked in his head over and over again. He lived it once and that was enough spine chilling agony for one lifetime, more than most people could ever handle. So many things have happened since then, so many terrible, bloody, messed up things, like I don't know: Sam going to hell maybe? Sam being without a soul for a year? trying to stab Bobby to death (surely that one deserves a special place on the Winchester's crappiest hits list?!), his Dad dying for him (yeah, let's not dwell on that one). Even now, in present day his beautiful mind brother is having one to ones with Lucifer for Christ's sake! If that's not somewhat of a problem he doesn't know what is, their lives are so screwed up its not even news anymore.

Dean lifts both hands to his face, trying to rub the sleep out of his eyes, wishing it was as easy to rub the memory out of his exhausted brain. The nightmare that isn't really a nightmare at all, just a replay of the worst most painful moment of his entire life. His younger brother, his Sam, the most important person in the whole world to look after, to save; slumping forward into Dean's outstretched arms limply, lifelessly, cold wet and helpless, slipping away to God knows where. The knife wound to his spine already having done its devastating work. He'd lost his Sammy.


	2. Why Not Smile

**A/N: Very Important** \- This story now contains wincest - IF YOU DON'T LIKE PLEASE DON'T READ! I didn't set out with the idea of this being a wincest story but it just wrote itself that way and I was powerless to stop it. It is mild and not graphic at all but it's still a theme.

If you are still reading please enjoy.

I don't own anything etc...

 **Why Not Smile.**

His body was freezing cold, chilled all the way through to the bones, deeper even than that, to his very soul. And yet the burning hot flames still lapped at him making his skin crack and peel revealing his cooking meat. How was that even possible? He tried to scream for help, tried to scream his brother's name. He needed Dean, where was he? He was the only one who could help. His tortured soul still ached from the loss of his brother, he cried out again asking any God who would listen to please let Dean be here. Even if the torment had to continue, he was sure he could endure it if he only had his older brother to hang on to, to tether him to his sanity. But he couldn't be here, here was the deepest hell and Dean didn't deserve to be chained up, down in the cage like Sam deserved to be.

"You deserve this Sam, every single delicious moment" He realised at the last moment he hadn't thought those words in his head; there was someone else with him speaking those terrible words. "I'm always with you Sammy, you know that, always. I will never leave you, I promise." Slowly running his calloused hand down Sam's over-sensitive face Lucifer looked into his pain filled eyes moving closer almost like he was going to….

Sam's eyes shot open; pulling in a deep breath he thought he might be physically sick. He could still smell his own chard flesh hanging thickly in the air. And he could still feel that touch. Slowly his mind began to clear. He was in the motel room safe in bed, he wasn't in hell anymore, Lucifer wasn't here. He had escaped and he was never going back he repeated in his head for the thousandth time. He still didn't sound any more convinced than the first time he'd thought those words. Did he deserve to be in hell? He didn't really know anymore…guess he would find out sooner or later when a hunt goes bad he reasoned. Sam ran a hand through his hair removing if from his pale tired looking face. Another day. Another struggle. Another twenty four hours of trying to act like everything is ok, like he can handle it all.

"Coffee?" His older brother asks from the tiny kitchenette holding up a full steaming hot pot of strong coffee.

Dean. Sam smiled inwardly, no longer amazed by how Dean's mere presence could lift him even from the imagined depths of hell.

"Yeah, that would be great thanks" he nodded sleepily, no matter how much sleep he gets any more it never seems enough. Probably from the stress of having one terrifyingly real nightmare after another every night he mused.

"No problem, looks like you could use it. You look like crap." Dean's words were blunt but his tone gave away his obvious concern for his younger brother. "Nightmare?" He asks.

"Yeah." Was the only answer he received from Sam.

"Well join the club" Dean muttered without any heat under his breath when it became clear Sam wasn't going to elaborate. He filled a white mug to the brim with coffee and walked over to Sam still sitting upright and looking slightly dazed in his bed.

"Here" he says handing it over carefully to his brother. "Any stronger and I doubt you could still describe it as a liquid."

Dean used the handing over of the mug as an opportunity to get a closer look at Sam who appeared pale, with dark circles under his eyes. Dean pursed his lips together. He was worried, physical injures he could deal with, he'd been dealing with them pretty much his whole life. Some bandages, multiple stitches a bottle of whiskey, sorted. But this, this was different, this was in Sam's mind and Dean was swiftly becoming painfully aware that it was so much worse. What could he do to make it better, what was he supposed to do? He didn't have an answer and it was grating on him constantly. He had to find a way to help his brother.

"Really Sammy, how you doing?" he was silently praying the answer wouldn't be the word 'fine' Dean's new nomination for world's most infuriating word.

Sam was pensive for a moment; he started to slowly shake his head in a tiny movement and huffed out a long breath. "I don't know, a bit better I guess. I mean it doesn't take me so long to snap out of it anymore. It doesn't take me so long to realise it's not real, the things I see." Sam looked up at his brother meeting the other man's eyes for the first time; he forced a small tight smile which didn't reach his eyes, not even close.

Dean nodded; he wanted to believe his brother. He knew Sam didn't want to burden him with his pain. Partly it was Dean's own fault that his brother wouldn't share this kind of thing, his suffering. Dean wasn't much for sharing when it came to feelings or pain or heartache or much of anything but he desperately hoped Sam knew he would always listen to him. He would always be there for Sam no matter what.

"Ok, well that's good." Dean turned away picking up his old leather wallet from the bedside cabinet. "I'm gonna go get us some breakfast from the diner over the road. Any preference?" he asked looking back at Sam.

"Pancakes." Sam answered swinging his long legs out of the bead. He didn't really want anything as he didn't feel in the mood to eat, still feeling slightly nauseated. But he knew if he didn't ask for something Dean would worry and it would probably end in an argument. Easier just to say pancakes and hope he could stomach them when they were in front of him.

"Okay, back in 10." Sam watched as his brother left and with that Sam was alone in the silent motel room. He eased his way out of bed feeling stiff from their last hunt. It was only a run of the mill hunt, nothing complicated or too intense but Sam's whole body seemed to ache. It seemed to be taking his body longer to heal these days probably because he was so mentally run down. He hoped a hot shower would help and then Dean would be back and they could get on with finding a new case. That would help take his mind off things he was sure.

Walking over to the bathroom he opened the door and pulled the light switch on. The harsh artificial light illuminated the small room and pained his sore eyes. Sam's breath caught in his mouth as he stepped backwards in icy surprise. His heart instantly beating so fast and so hard it felt like it was trying to escape his chest. There was Lucifer grinning at him in an intimidating way, arms crossed leaning against the shower waiting for Sam. His words when spoken dripped with innuendo. "Come on Sammy, don't be shy, promise I won't look."


	3. I Need I Want I Will

**A/N:** Thank you to everyone who is reading & I own nothing...

 **I Need I Want I Will**

Sam gave a strangled cry unable to stop him-self and instinctively reached for his palm, his brother's words in his head. He pushed his thumb as hard as possible into the middle of the still visible scar feeling a sharp pain jolt all the way up his arm. The mark was already a few weeks old but it was still red and bruised, probably because Sam had been pressing on it so much to get rid of Lucifer. It was working most of the time but Sam was starting to realise it wasn't working as quickly as it once did and it wasn't taking Lucifer as long to come back. The thought of having no defence at all against the hallucinations was terrifying…but that was all they were he quickly reminded him-self, just hallucinations his mind was creating.

"Still playing hard to get Sammy?" the Devil had time to say just before vanishing out of existence.

The bathroom was now empty but the atmosphere was thick and heavy and seemed to seep out towards Sam, wrapping around him in a cold intimate embrace. It made him shudder. It made him feel weak and pathetic like a small child scared of his own shadow.

He clenched his jaw and fists, "Go into the bathroom" he said in his mind. "Go into the bathroom" he intoned again, still not moving more than a few inches. "Go into the God damn bathroom!" he said out loud this time, surprised by his own tone and volume. Only silence met his outburst. He edged his way into the smaller room ready at any moment to take flight if he needed to, not even considering fight as an option. You can't fight what's in your own head after all.

The whole experience was terrifying and humiliating, it was probably the quickest shower Sam had ever taken. He was worried that at any moment he might turn to see Lucifer glaring at him letting his eyes run over the whole of Sam's wet and soapy body, ready to do God knows what. The thought made Sam shudder and hurry up even more, hardly having time to rinse the shampoo out of his hair.

He turned off the scalding hot water and wrapped the rough bath towel tightly around himself as if it was enough to protect him. He was still on edge, when was he not these days? A noise from the other room made him jump, his heart sped up again until he realised it was the motel room's front door closing. "Dean" he muttered breathily letting himself relax a little. Quickly drying himself he left the bathroom not wanting to spend any more time apart from his brother than was necessary.

They sat together and ate breakfast, Sam did it more to please Dean rather than from hunger. He didn't really enjoy food any more it was just one of life's necessities.

"So think you're up for another hunt?" Dean asked mouth still stuffed with food waiting for the usual telling off from his disgusted brother, but this time he was only met with silence.

Sam hated how Dean felt like he needed to ask that question, treating Sam like he was fragile, had to be handled carefully or he might break into a million pieces. He was a hunter; this was what he was supposed to do. Hunt evil things down and kill them. He didn't blame Dean it wasn't his fault he had to act like his younger brother's keeper, no, that was all squarely on Sam's shoulders. It was Sam's problem and Dean had to just come along for the crazy ride. Sometimes he wished he had the courage to do the right thing, to do what was best for Dean. To stop acting like a selfish brat and put his brother's feeling first. Dean's life would be so much different if it wasn't for Sam. He would have Lisa and Ben, a nice house somewhere, everything he ever wanted. Instead he had a mentally deranged ex-demon blood drinking, world endingly selfish bitch of a baby brother dragging him down.

"Sam?" Dean yelled at him trying to break him out of his consuming thoughts while looking at Sam's blank face with concern.

Sam shook himself out of his own thoughts, or where they his own thoughts? He wasn't so sure any more. Maybe Lucifer was making him think that way, he had already tried to make him take his own life once before. He cursed himself mentally. Lucifer is not really here, how many times do I have to tell myself that? But then, he thought, that means those thoughts really were my own. He swallowed the build-up of sliver in his mouth scared by the revelation.

"Sam!" Again Dean said his name this time with a hand on the other man's shoulder giving him a gentle shake.

"Yeah, sorry, I'm ok, sorry, just zoned out a bit there." Sam looked into Dean's eyes and gave a small smile that was meant to be reassuring. From Dean's slightly freaked out expression it didn't seem to have worked very well. "You were saying about a hunt right? You got one lined up already?" Sam's body was in need of a rest he knew. They had only finished the last hunt the night before and his body was bone tired but his mind needed the distraction of work.

Dean removed his hand from Sam's shoulder hesitantly still eyeing him closely. "Yeah" he said slowly wiping his mouth with the white paper napkin balling it up and throwing it down onto his almost empty plate. "Bobby called while I was at the diner, thinks he's got a live one." He stands, picks up Sam's and his own polystyrene cartons and tosses them into the bin. "You know maybe we need a break I'm sure there must be someone else Bobby can get on this one. What do you say; a few days R & R sounds good right?"

Sam smiled a genuine smile this time. He couldn't help it; he loved his brother for the simple use of the words 'WE need a break', not 'YOU need a break'. He knew Dean was only saying it because of Sam's delicate (he hated that word!) mental state.

"No, it's ok Dean. Ring Bobby back and say we'll take it. I think it will help to focus my mind on something." He hesitated for a moment wondering whether he should elaborate. "It seems worse." He said, clearing his throat. "When I don't have anything to concentrate on. Like he can break through into my brain easier when my mind has time to reflect on….things." Sam had been looking down at his hands gingerly stroking his healing palm but he looked up at Dean once he had finished talking, looking for understanding.

Dean looked into his brother's soulful puppy dog eyes and caved instantly. He didn't even feel embarrassed by his complete surrender to those looks any more. It was just how it was. "Okay Sam, I'll let Bobby know." But he was far from alright with this whole situation. He knew Sam was holding back on the details of his hallucinations. To begin with Dean just thought it was because Sam didn't want to relive them or maybe he didn't want to burden his older brother with what he was truly seeing. But now Dean wasn't so sure what was making Sam hold back and how could he begin to help his brother if Sam wouldn't let him in?


	4. My Heart Lies To You

A/N- Thanks again to everyone who is reading and I hope you enjoy this chapter!

I don't own anything.

 **My Heart Lies to You**

They had been driving for a couple of hours, non-descript scenery passing by in a disinterested blur. Dean had put the car stereo on out of habit but he had made sure it wasn't on loud; he wanted to make sure Sam could start to talk if he wanted to. Too often had Dean used the stereos volume as a weapon to shield himself from awkward unwanted conversations. He didn't want Sam to think that was what he was doing this time.

So far it didn't seem like it was working. Sam had remained silent with his body slightly angled towards the passenger door looking out of the window with unseeing eyes. His long dark hair had fallen down obscuring his face from Dean. This made the older brother let out a humourless huff of a laugh; it was so obviously Sam's way of shielding himself. He had been doing it for as long as he had let his hair grow.

The noise Dean made sounded louder than it should have, probably because it had been so long since either of them had talked. Sam sat up a little and faced his brother tucking his hair behind his ears. "Huh?"

"Nothing, just thinking" Dean replied. "How are you feeling?" He made sure his tone was light like he was just making conversation and not like he secretly wished he could grab onto his brothers shirt and shake him manically screaming 'for the love of God let me know what's going on in that head of yours!' No Dean decided to play it cool, because that always worked out well he thought sarcastically.

Sam nodded his head "Ok at the moment". He had intended to say more but it didn't seem like his mouth or brain wanted to elaborate on the topic. "So did you tell Bobby we would be calling in after the case?" Both Sam and Dean had been pleased to learn that the hunt was only a few hours away from Sioux Falls and therefore it was the perfect excuse to visit Bobby's. They hadn't seen him in a few weeks, not since Sam's initial hell induced mental breakdown.

Dean smiled "Yeah, he said he'd get the hors d'oeuvres on order."

Sam laughed out loud; he could just imagine the older man saying it in his gruff manor. Wow, that felt good, he couldn't remember the last time he had spontaneously let out a genuine laugh like that. Dean grinned showing his teeth next to his brother. When Sam laughed it was like a breath of fresh air, lighting up the room or in this particular case the car.

"But seriously, I think he was pleased when I mentioned it, I think he has been worrying about you. Probably wants to make sure you're not one step away from the looney bin." Dean mentally slapped himself, he knew he wasn't good at the chick flick moments but that didn't mean he had to be downright insensitive.

Feeling like an asshole he was about to apologise when he noticed his brother was still smiling. "I think we might have to tell him the jury's still out on that one." Sam declared, he pushed himself down lower in the seat feeling like he might be relaxing slightly.

They drove for another hour making idle conversation until Dean's stomach started protesting at the lack of food. It was obviously time for lunch and they pulled into the first roadside diner they came across, it had a big neon sign that was flashing the words 'States biggest burgers' and that was enough information for Dean. Sam was just glad to see Dean looking so happy; he hated how heavily his own situation was weighing on his older brother.

Dean spent the whole meal yawning and rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand. He was clearly exhausted to the point of not even being able to hide it from his brother. He hadn't slept well and after The Nightmare he wasn't even sure if he had managed to get back to sleep. After some argument he had finally given the ok for Sam to drive for a few hours but only with the caveat that if anything happened or if Sam thought he was going to have an 'episode' he was to pull over and tell Dean straight away.

Sam had readily agreed to these terms knowing full well just how shattered his older brother must be to go along with it. Unsurprisingly it was only a matter of minutes until Deans head had rolled to the side propped against the window, soft snoring noises escaping his lips.

Sam didn't mind, he liked driving, he didn't actually get to do it all that much been as Dean was still ridiculously protective of the Impala even when it was Sam. When Sam was driving he could switch off his brain to everything except the road ahead. When he was a passenger all he seemed to do was dwell on the thousands of things he had no control over, dwell on what his future might hold, dwell on the possibility that he might not even have a future to look forward too.

"Hi Honey, miss me?" Lucifer intoned sweetly from the back seat. Sam's eyes instantly shot to the rear-view mirror, his hands tightening onto the steering wheel so his knuckles turned white. He looked over at Dean to make sure he was still asleep; once he was confident he was he forced his eyes back onto the road pretending everything was still ok.

"Sam, I have to say you're not the world's best conversationalist lately. Did I do something wrong? I can't make it all better if you don't tell me what's up". Lucifer placed a firm hand onto Sam shoulder and sat forward in the seat getting closer to him. "Please Sammy."

"Don't call me that!" Sam almost spat offended by the use of the name.

Lucifer's face contorted into an expression of mock hurt. "Don't be like that; you know you're my special little Sammy. Remember, you use to love it when I would call you that down in the pit… when we were all alone…just you and me." He had been getting slowly closer to Sam as he talked until he was only millimetres away, breathing hotly into Sam's ear. For a second Sam had the horrifying thought that he wasn't going to stop until he actually made physical contact with his face.

Sam had been gritting his teeth trying to keep the bile from rising up into his mouth. Looking into the rear-view mirror he made eye contact with the uninvited guest. "Don't call me Sammy". He forced his voice to sound strong and steady; he hoped he had pulled it off because at the moment he just felt pathetic and violated.

Lucifer's sat back in his seat suddenly and crossed his arms. His face seemed to blacken with frustration but a second later he was smiling again. "Oh Sammy, I can read you like an open book. I know why you don't like it when I call you that, I've known all along. I was hoping maybe I could sway you, make you see that there are other fish in the sea but I can see now all my advances since we left the pit have been in vain".

Thinking a mile a minute Sam couldn't fathom what Lucifer was talking about. He was in turmoil over whether he should demand an explanation or if it would be best just to ignore the other 'man' as best he could. That line of action hadn't been going to well for him lately. But something in Sam head told him he really didn't want to know what Lucifer meant, he felt nervous and exposed like at any moment his world was going to come crumbling down around him, like something huge was about to change.

"All those times we had together, locked up tight in the cage. You always cried out, always right at the end when you couldn't hold it in any more". Lucifer sat forward again, his voice dropping almost to a whisper. "But it wasn't my name you screamed was it Sam, you wished it was someone else making you feel like that, all hot and worked up like you couldn't handle another moment of it." His face had grown so intense Sam couldn't tear his eyes away from the rear-view mirror, his breath coming in short little puffs, sweat forming on his forehead. "No Sam, you wished it was your brother's body covering you, pressing down hard, looking at you with lust filled eyes."

Lucifer grinned over at Dean fast asleep, oblivious to Sam's unfolding hell. "If only he knew Sam, what would he think of you? Wouldn't be so keen to play the protective big brother then would he?" The malice in the Devils voice reached new heights as Sam wished the whole world would just stop spinning so fast, his head felt like it was going to split with the pain of it all. "How broken do you have to be Sam for the Devil himself to think you are sick in the head?"


	5. Clouds In My Changing Skys

**A/N: Here is the next chapter! Thanks to everyone who is reading and a big thank you to those who have reviewed and/or have added to their favourites. It means a lot! I have been writing for a long time just for my own enjoyment. The first thing I posted online was over a decade ago (embarrassingly showing my age!). The first comment it got was so horrible,mean and hurtful that I permanently left the site and I have not posted any of my stories since! That horrible person probably typed that comment and never thought about it again. I still remember it. So you can understand why I am so grateful for the lovely encouraging reviews I have received. Thank you!**

 **Anyway enough me angst! Hope you enjoy...**

 **Clouds In My Changing Skys**

The Impala came to a screeching halt, tiers smoking with the effort needed to stop. Sam had reacted without thinking and slammed his foot down on the breaks desperate to make Lucifer stop his obscene words. His stomach was churning from the experience and his mouth was so dry he felt like he could hardly swallow. He couldn't stand how the Devil had twisted things that happened in hell, under extreme torture, into some sort of depraved sexual thing involving his brother. It was just so wrong; it was a line that Lucifer had clearly revelled in crossing. It made him feel dirty like his skin was crawling with thousands of tiny invisible insects. Sam's eyes were still fixed on the rear-view mirror and he was relieved to see the back seat empty again, as it should be.

Dean sat bolt upright in surprise his eyes wildly darting about looking for any impending danger. When he saw none he looked over at his brother whose hands were still on the wheel, his eyes staring into the rear-view mirror. "Sam?" He said in way of a question, receiving a look of shock which probably matched his own pretty damn well.

Sam pulled his hands through his sweat dampened hair tucking it behind his ears roughly. He thought quickly through the haze which was laying like a thick fog over his battered mind. "Animal…" He breathed trying to control the slight shake in his voice. "…it ran out into the road, I didn't see it until we were almost on top of it" He silently prayed his brother would accept his flimsy explanation.

Dean continued to stare wide eyed and opened mouthed at his younger brother. He must have been in a deep sleep because he still felt confused and dazed by the whole thing. On an almost subconscious level he decided to just accept the story he was being given. "Well you didn't hit it did you?" Turning in his seat he looked back down the road with concern, searching for any sign of an injured animal. Seeing nothing he returned his weary stare to his brother. Dean was tired, mentally worn down by everything that was happening to his brother. Why did everything always have to be so hard for them? His body physically ached from the weeks of worry and sleepless nights. And when he was able to get to sleep it was even worse, The Nightmare always managed to find him.

Sam's answer jolted him from his wondering mind. "No, it disappeared into those bushes over there." Sam pointed to the nearest bit of foliage big enough to conceal the fictitious animal. Wow, Dean must be seriously sleep deprived if he was buying this bullshit. He already felt bad about lying to his brother, he didn't want to. When he had first opened up about seeing Lucifer it had actually helped his delicate mental state. It had felt like some of the weight had been lifted from his shoulders just by sharing what was happening with his brother. Now he realised it felt like that because he had merely dumped some of that weight onto Dean, and that made him feel all kinds of guilt. It seemed like all his life he had just used his brother to lessen his own load, like Dean didn't have enough of his own crap to deal with. He had to stop putting himself first and think of his brother's wellbeing for once, he didn't need to share this. How could he, talking about it could lead to uncomfortable questions which Sam would be totally unable and unwilling to answer even in his own mind.

Wiping the sleep out of his tired eyes Dean looked at his watch. "Want me to drive for a while, you look exhausted." He knew he was exhausted as well but that didn't matter at the moment. It wasn't just extreme fatigue Dean saw in Sam, it was something else that he couldn't put his figure on and it made him even more concerned. He'd had almost a couple of hours of sleep anyway, more than most nights these days. He wasn't sure if he believed the explanation he'd been given for their abrupt stop but he just couldn't bring himself to push the matter. He just wanted to get to their destination, preferably in one piece.

So Sam found himself back in the passenger seat with nothing to do but think, and this time it was so much worse. His whole body was still covered in a cold sweat and his stomach was seriously considering whether it wanted to eject his meagre lunch. His head hadn't hurt like this in a long time, it almost reminded him of when he used to have visions, it was the same kind of searing pain. Lucifer's words were replying again and again in his aching head. He had said he wanted Dean, his brother in a sexual way, were had that come from? Sam knew he had screamed Dean's name thousands of times from the cage, he had wanted his brother more than anything. He had wanted Dean to come and take him away from that place so badly, from all that pain and eternal death. His heart had ached for it, cried out so loudly he almost imagined it could be heard from anywhere in the universe. But the Devil had twisted even that powerful natural emotion into something unnatural and perverse. He was angry, furious with the Devil, with the situation, with the whole god damn fucking world.

"It's all in your mind!" a strange, strangled voice shouted in his head. That jarred him out of his mental rant, was that his voice? Or someone else's?

"Get a grip!" No it was defiantly his voice, he just needed to calm down and think properly.

"How did Lucifer know?" This time it almost sounded like a small child's scared voice reaching out to him from the deepest reaches of him mind.

What? How did Lucifer know what? He didn't know what the voice meant, no not 'the voice' his voice he thought. His voice was the only one in his head. He was the one thinking all of these painfully confused thoughts.

Bile started to rise in his throat. No Sam, you can't even think it, thinking it makes it more real. It makes the feelings you have felt your whole adult life, but never accepted as ever existing, real. Thoughts make it real and it can't be real, it just can't be.

It was beyond wrong. "But you're wrong Sam".

It was beyond sick. "But you're sick Sam".

These feelings shouldn't exist. "You shouldn't exist, and soon Dean will wish you had never been born, when he finds out." Sam's voice seemed to be morphing with Lucifer's now. No, Dean would never find out Sam shouted incensed. He knew if he did find out their relationship would be irrevocably changed. It would be over; he doubted Dean would even accept him as his brother any more. Sam would be all alone in the world, his brother forever lost to him; he would be alone with his shattered mind…..and Lucifer.

No, it wasn't going to happen, he had to hold onto Dean. Only his brother could save him by keeping him out of the pit; the pit of despair, of pain, of eternal torment. If he learned of Sam's deep dark and terrible secret he would want to throw him back in himself. "Got to keep it together, I can't lose the one thing in the world I care about, the one thing that keeps me sane." He was too far gone to even see the irony in that statement.

-xXx-

Things got worse. Dean hadn't been overly happy with how Sam had been acting before they had started the hunt that night. He had been quiet but when Dean had managed to covertly look at his brother he could almost see the conversations carrying on in his head. It was Sam's eyes; they never stopped moving, darting about, filled with silent emotion. But his brother had refused to open up and had been adamant that the hunt would help take his mind off his problems. He said he needed some sort of normality, even if that normality was a million miles away from the average persons.

Against his better judgement Dean had agreed that Sam could come along. It had almost felt like Dean was powerless to change the course of events. Him and his brother where caught in a current too strong to swim against and they were going along for the ride wherever it would lead. He was kicking himself now of course. Now he was seeing where it had lead, watching in utter horror as his brother was standing perfectly still staring into nothingness like a switch had been flicked. Like his whole world had just frozen, paused in time, except for the nameless monster that was charging headlong into him. Images of The Nightmare danced in front of Dean's numbing mind, not again, please god not again.

Funny how quickly everything could fall apart.


	6. Meet Me On The Dark Side

**A/N - Here is the next chapter a day early! Wanted to get this posted today because I won't be able to tomorrow (I have another Supernatural related commitment to fulfil tomorrow night).**

 **Side note. I am a really really slow writer, it takes me HOURS to write each chapter and afterwards I always feel so drained and yet kind of manic at the same time. Weird! Just wanted to share that for some reason. Anyway, on with the story and I hope you enjoy...**

 **Meet Me On The Dark Side.**

"Easy!" Dean grunted as he lowered the dead weight of his brother onto the single metal bed with Bobby's help. He made sure Sam's head gently made contact with the thin pillow. Removing his arm from underneath Sam's neck he felt how hot and clammy he was and his face was glistening with a layer of sweat. His eyes were shut but only because Dean had careful closed them with his hand unwilling to look into Sam's eyes and see nothing there. It scared him too much, made his insides twist. His brother's eyes were usually so full of life and expression. He didn't think he believed in the saying 'the eyes are the windows to the soul' but if any ones were it was Sam's. Dean cautiously brushed some of Sam's hair off of his face hoping for some sort of reaction but receiving none, his heart sinking a little deeper.

Bobby looked over at the show of tender affection and let out a long low sigh. "Ok, son." He put a reassuring hand on the others shoulder. "Fill me in, I need to know what we are dealing with here and then we can fix it." Getting no response he shook his hand gently and slightly raised his voice "Dean!"

Dean stood up straight tearing his eyes off of his brother and rubbed a hand over his face willing himself to keep it together. "Ok Bobby. Sorry"

"No need for apologies just tell me what did this and I will hit the books for a solution" He wanted to sound confident and unfazed so Dean didn't panic more than he already was. Bobby was good at acting; he had unfortunately had plenty of practice in pretending not to be scared. It was always harder when Sam and Dean were concerned but those where the times it mattered the most.

Dean turned and walked towards the wall putting some distance between himself and the others. He wrapped his arms around his waist and dug his hands into the fabric of his dirty blooded shirt. Not his blood, the thought stung his mind. "This wasn't caused by what we were hunting Bobby. Sure it got the jump on him but only because he had already frozen. I took it out and hauled ass here. Its Sam's mind, this whole Lucifer-vision thing. I should have seen this coming; he has been off for weeks and I didn't do anything, just let it come to this." He thrust his arm in the direction of his motionless younger brother lying oblivious on the bed.

"Are you sure Dean? I thought he had a handle on it." Bobby moved his gaze between the two brothers wanting to understand. Dean's exhaustion seemed to be radiating off him in waves, he nodded his throbbing head. "Yes I'm sure." His voice like gravel. "I just know, ok." He added when Bobby still looked like he was going to question him further.

Bobby took a second or two to work it through his brain but he accepted what he was being told knowing the two boys had a sixth sense when it came to the other. "Well, that changes some things. We will just have to think outside the box on this one but we will think of something, we always do." Taking one more pained look at Sam and giving Dean's shoulder another reassuring slap he left the panic room and its almost suffocating atmosphere.

Dean didn't move for what seemed like an hour though it was actually a few minutes at most. He couldn't seem to be able to raise his head to look over at the man lying on the bed only a few feet way. So close and yet he might as well have been a hundred miles away. Dean forced his sore eyes to his baby brother's body, tears welling instantly at the helpless sight but for now refusing to fall. Dragging legs that felt like lead weights over towards Sam he kneeled down slowly and numbly. He began to play with a pulled thread on the worn bed sheet still reluctant to see Sam's pale face. "Well I've royally screwed up this time Sammy. How many times have I broken my promise never to throw you in this room again?" His mouth twisted into a pained humourless grin. It faded instantly as his eyes finally snapped up to look at the face of his younger brother. "What are we going to do hey Sam? What am I supposed to do? Just when I need your big brain to help me out with a problem" He softly lowered his weary head so his forehead was resting on Sam's clammy arm hoping the contact would some-how comfort him. If anything it made it worse. Sam wasn't there to offer him comfort, he was somewhere else, somewhere Dean didn't know if he could follow.

xxxXxxx

Dean sat on the uncomfortable metal chair for hours unmoving. Time seemed to be passing by so slowly it was almost painful and yet it already seemed like so long since Dean had talked to Sam. He knew he would be much more help upstairs with Bobby trawling through the dozens of ancient books he could just picture spread out all over the older man's desk. But he also knew he couldn't be anywhere else other than here, sat next to his silent sleeping brother. He placed his face in his dry calloused hands for the hundredth time, wishing Sam really was just sleep and that at any moment he would wake and smile up at Dean as if none of this had happened. That's all that Dean wanted and knowing that it almost certainly wouldn't happen broke something inside him.

He felt like he should be angry, he always got angry, even he knew it was his fail-safe coping mechanism. That emotion wasn't present now and it scared him deeply. Getting angry drove him into action and resulted in him getting a problem solved. Not the healthiest way of doing things, true but the end justified the means…usually. What he felt now was different, he was exhausted and not just in body. Sure every single millimetre of his body ached but it was his soul that was truly shattered. The last few weeks of watching helplessly as his baby brother had slipped out of his reach had slowing broken Dean down and now he was too numb to even lift a finger to try and save Sam. He did nothing to stop this from happening in the first place and he was doing nothing to fix it now. What kind of brother was he? A failure, he sure as hell knew that much.

Dean wished he could say this was the only time he had ever felt like this but it wasn't. He ground his teeth together at the memory dancing through his mind.

Bobby entering the panic room almost made Dean physically jump. It had been so quiet for so long even the sound of Bobby's footsteps seemed to be painfully loud. Dean remained seated but slowly lifted his head looking at the other man with only a shred of hope in his watery sore eyes. He waited silently.

Bobby Singer was a tough man, he had lived through things that would have finished a lesser human being but he was hurting just looking at the scene in front of him. "Well I haven't found much yet, the lore isn't big on mental breakdowns brought on by spending time in Lucifer's cage. I just wanted to check on you, you should eat something or at least drink something".

"No I'm good thanks". Was all Dean could muster.

"Yeah I can see that". Bobby said with no conviction, these boys would be the death of him. "I just don't think there is any point doing yourself in Dean, you will make yourself sick."

Dean had stopped listening, a sudden all-consuming thought had flashed into his head. He didn't know where it had come from or even if it would really help but his brain was feverishly processing his thoughts. "I need to get inside his mind Bobby".

The older man looked at Dean with a questioning stare. "You know I haven't been able to find a source for dream root in years and even if I could get hold of some I don't even know if it would work. Sam's not sleeping, you would have to go down a lot deeper to reach Sam's mind." He tried to say it gently knowing all too well how sharp Dean's temper could be in dire situations like this. He remembered the experience unfortunately.

"I'm not talking about dream root necessarily just anything that can get me in there." He looked over at Sam focusing on his closed eyes. "I have to help him and I can't do that while I'm here and he is God knows where going through God knows what!"

The seconds slipped by quietly until Dean once again turned his face to Bobby. "Please Bobby. I need to reach him; I need to talk to him." There are things I need to say, he silently thought.

The begging tone in the younger man's voice set Bobby's mind on a mission. "Ok son, I'll let you know when I find a way to make it happen. Just please try and get some rest." With that he left the room and went back upstairs to resume researching, slightly happier now he had an idea to concentrate on.

Dean didn't eat. He didn't drink and he certainly didn't sleep. His mind was now working a mile a minute. A tiny glimmer of hope was starting to tentatively grown in the back of his mind. If he could reach Sam he might be able to bring him back or maybe he would see something in Sam head that could give him a clue as to how he could fix this giant mess. He was anxious about what he would see. He had been in Hell himself for 30 years so he knew what kind of images he could expect, or at least he thought he did. But this wasn't just Hell. Sam had been in the Cage with Lucifer and Michael, Hell on a whole different level. Thinking about the fact that Sam had had to go through it was painful enough. Knowing his brother was reliving it needlessly now inches away from Dean who couldn't offer him any kind of comfort was unbearable.

xxxXxxx

Four hours later and Bobby was stood in front of Dean with a small bowl in his hand and an apprehensive look on his face. He couldn't even convince himself this had a hope in hell of working, but it was the best he could come up with and at this point he was pretty much willing to try anything as long as there was no chance of it harming Dean…or of it putting Sam in any worse a state than he was already in.

"So I just drink it and I'm in Sam's mind?" Dean asked knowing there was going to be a catch because there always was.

"Not exactly" Bobby began, "You stick your index finger in it and use some of the liquid to draw the shape of an eye on your forehead. Then drink it while making sure the hand you used to draw the eye is in contact with Sam's forehead. That should do it" He hesitated to go on, he had to tell Dean one more detail and he wasn't looking forward to it.

"Great, that's great Bobby. Thank you." Dean quickly raised his arms towards the other man waiting for him to hand over the bowl with its precious liquid contents.

"Wait a minute Dean" He said slightly raising his hands out of reach. "Look this is the best I could come up with ok. It's not an easy thing that you want to do and with only a few hours and limited supplies I'm surprised I could come up with this. But you need to know that this will get you inside Sam's mind…." He trailed off.

"But?" Dean demanded not liking how this conversation was going. He just wanted to get on with it after so many wasted hours leaving Sam in torment.

Bobby sighed a deep and weary sound. "This will get you inside Sam's mind, you will see what he is seeing but…it will be like you are watching TV, you won't be able to make any kind of contact with Sam. He won't know you're there and you won't be able to influence the surroundings in any way".

"What?" He nearly shouted. Dean couldn't believe it, what good was that? He would just be a casual observer of his brother's torture.

"I'm sorry Dean but that's the best and only option we have." Bobby did feel like he had let Dean down but he also knew he had thoroughly researched all of the material he had on the subject, there wasn't much to go on. He was surprised he had found this spell to be honest, he had almost not even looked through the chapter it appeared in but he had a hunch and now he was praying he was right about it.

Dean chewed it over considering if he should tell Bobby to keep looking for something better but he realised that Bobby wouldn't have come down with this suggestion if there was a better way. He knew how much Bobby wanted to help, if he said this was the only way then that's what Dean would have to work with. Maybe Dean would see something in Sam's mind that would help somehow. All Dean knew was that he had to take action and this would have to do. "Ok Bobby, hand it over."

Passing over the bowl Bobby nodded. "To come back all you need to do it either open your eyes or take your hand off Sam's forehead. Just prepare yourself for what you might see and remember it can't do you any harm."

Dean made a sound in his throat that sounded like a grunt. "No but its sure as hell harming Sammy." He stared at the grey viscous liquid which strangely offered up no reflection. Too late to back down now he thought, not that he would even if it was an option. Following all of Bobby's instructions carefully, not wanting to mess the spell up, he finally placed the palm of his right hand onto Sam's hot sticky forehead expecting it to take a while to work. He was very surprised to find he was instantly inside Sam's mind. And even more surprising was the crystal clear vision that greeted him there.


	7. Meant To Belong To Me

**A/N: Hope you enjoy this chapter, it was a lot of fun to write! Thanks for reading...**

 **Meant To Belong To Me**

Dean slowly moved his head scanning the scene with his eyes. A field of grass sprawled out in front of him for as far as he could see with no landmarks of any kind breaking the sea of green disappearing into the distance. Turning a full 360 degrees he saw nothing disrupting the bland expanse. "What the…" he spoke under his breath totally confused. This was not that he had imagined seeing; this was not…well what the hell was this? Why was this filling Sam's mind?

Looked up at the hazy sun he saw fast moving white clouds floating across the sky on a brisk breeze which he noticed was also making patterns in the gently rustling grass.

He had no idea what to do; he couldn't just stand here in the middle of a field but he didn't know which way to go when there was clearly nothing for miles. In desperation he scanned the surroundings again hoping for some sort of clue trying not to panic. This couldn't be all that was left in his brother's mind could it?

His silent prayer was answered when his eyes suddenly fell upon something other than maddening green. The confusion didn't leave him however, if anything it just became deeper. Dean started walking slowly over to the figures which had just appeared wanting to get a closer look. Half expecting some sort of reaction as he approached he had to remind himself of Bobby's words, he was only watching Sam's mind, he couldn't influence anything here.

Dean stopped a few feet away letting his eyes absorb the unfolding image. Sam was sat cross legged absentmindedly picking single blades of grass and twirling them between his pale fingers. Every few moments his eyes, slightly shielded by his wind ruffled hair, would move to the other man who was lying on his back staring up at the pallid sky. A small guarded smile spread across Sam's lips.

With a jolt Dean realised it was himself who held Sam's attention, well Sam's minds Dean anyway. Dean's mind was working hard trying to understand what the hell this had to do with Sam's Lucifer/hell hallucinations. He had prepared himself for blood and torture and Sam's anguished screams for mercy while Lucifer enthusiastically sliced and ripped into his brother's brutalized body. What was actually unfolding in front of Dean was much more confusing and almost more worrying. He had no idea what he was supposed to do now.

His frantic thoughts were interrupted suddenly by his brother's voice. "So what are we going to do?" He was looking at imaginary Dean waiting for an answer no longer interested in playing with the grass blades.

"Nothing Sammy, absolutely nothing that's what". Imaginary Dean shifted over onto his side resting his head on his hand so he could get a better look at Sam. He directed a warm smile towards the other man.

Sam couldn't hide the relief spreading across his face. "We don't have to leave? We can just stay here?" His voice sounded younger than it should with no trace of weariness or heartache. It didn't sound like it was spoken by someone who was forced to carry the weight of the world on their exhausted shoulders.

"You don't want to leave?" Asked imaginary Dean giving Sam a fond unguarded look like nothing could take his attention away from his brother, even the world ending around them.

Sam gently shook his head not breaking eye contact. "No, I never what to leave. I just want to stay here…..with you. Is that ok?" He asked with a hint of trepidation.

His question was met by a larger grin and a good natured eye roll. "Of course it's ok Sammy. This is where we're meant to be. Just you and me, it's always meant to be just you and me".

The younger man frowned slightly as if only just understanding something which should have been obvious years ago. "And you're ok with that Dean? You and me?"

Imaginary Dean sat upright getting closer to his brother. He tilted his head, his turn to be confused. "I've always been ok with it. It's how it should be Sam. I've known where this was going to lead ever since we were little. It's not a surprise to me and it shouldn't be to you. It was going to happen; it had to happen one way or another. I'm just sorry it took this long to get here". He reached out and softly tucked some of Sam's hair behind his ear to get a better look at the other man's face.

Sam looked a little shy still unsure of how much to say, how much to give away. "I know this is what I want, I've known for years but I couldn't bring myself to believe you could ever want this. I was so scared you wouldn't understand and I would lose you, I couldn't lose you Dean. I can't, I'd rather only have part of you than nothing". His voice was laced with emotion, his eyes searching the other man's for empathy.

"But you don't want just part of me do you Sam? Don't worry, I totally get it. You want everything, every moment, every look, every touch and emotion. You are really messed up in that huge brain of yours if you don't think that's exactly what I want too." Imaginary Dean laughed a carefree sound.

It made Sam smile and release the tension so obvious in his tight shoulders. "I'm so glad we finally talked about this Dean, I just can't believe all this time if we had only discussed it. It seems a shame, all those years wasted". His voice had taken on a contemplative tone.

Imaginary Dean reached out with his hand again and gently took hold of his brother chin angling it towards him in an effort to make his words sink in fully "Not wasted Sammy. All those years were leading here because it couldn't happen anywhere else, only here"

Darkness started to descend over the scene and within only a few seconds Dean found himself in total blackness and airless silence. His mind was trying to process what had just happened before his eyes.

What the fuck? What was all that meant to mean? He knew what he wanted it to mean, a couple of times he had to stop himself from crying out for a clear explanation. He knew it would achieve as much as if he was shouting at a T.V. show, a waste of breath.

And yet he needed to understand what that conversation in Sam's mind had really meant, he didn't want any doubts. He felt a tiny spark of excitement and fragile hope as his heartbeat started to increase. It was short lived as the feelings of helplessness and fear crashed back down upon him. Sam was still trapped in here and so far Dean had achieved nothing. He had probably misunderstood what he had seen and heard anyway, just shaping the scene to fit in with what he wished for.

He had no more time to dwell on his private thoughts as images started to come out of the pitch blackness; only flat outlines to begin with…then slowly taking solid form and colour. The process made Dean feel dizzy and his stomach churn like he was looking through a powerful lens and his eyes were fighting to gain focus. He wasn't in control of anything that happened here and it made him uneasy. 'It's only Sammy's mind' he spoke aloud trying to make himself feel better. It didn't seem to work; in fact it made him worry more about what he might see next.

The Impala was the first thing he recognised, it was parked on the side of a dirt track with trees blanketing one side of the silent scene. The other side of the road was open, a gently sloping bank down to a fast moving river. Dean didn't know why but he instinctively started heading down towards the water hoping it wouldn't be long until he found his brother again.

It was still dark but the almost full moon and bright stars offered enough pale illumination to see by. It seemed a slightly un-natural light and it made Dean uneasy, on impulse he wished he had a weapon on him even though he knew it would do him no good here. He knew he couldn't be in any danger but the feeling endured.

The instantaneous roar of torrential rain caused him to physically jump, within seconds everything was waterlogged like it had been pouring for hours. However Dean realised he wasn't getting wet, he couldn't even feel the rain. 'This is so weird' he thought nervously while still heading towards the river.

Then suddenly they were straight in front of him, him and Sam again. They were both soaked through to the skin and yet they didn't seem to notice or care. Dean felt the heavy tension in the air immediately. It almost felt like he was interrupting something he shouldn't be witness too, a deeply private moment between the two men standing only feet away from him; which he supposed it was, but then one of them was him, kind of. Dean's head throbbed with confusion and mixed emotions. Frustration was starting to overwhelm him as well, time was ticking by and so far he hadn't seen anything to help Sam.

His brother's tone shocked him to attention "You don't mean that Dean. Please don't say that, not to me". The anguish dripping from Sam's voice made Dean's heart stop. He instinctively wanted to go to his brother to try and comfort him from whatever pain he was experiencing. He took a step forward without even realising it unable to stand idly by, until he angrily remembered it was futile.

He managed to tear his gaze away from Sam to look at his own face and was horrified by his own expression. It was one of so much hate it was almost palatable. Waves of loathing were radiating off of imaginary Dean to the extent that real Dean almost wanted to shrink away into the background. For the first time he was almost glad he was invisible.

"Of course I mean it Sam. What the hell did you think was going to happen? I can't believe you, I just can't believe you. What is wrong with you?" Imaginary Dean spat out the words with venom like he was out of control, consumed with angry and total disgust.

Sam stepped towards his brother with tears running down his sickly cheeks; the tears clear even with the rain still pouting down around him. Water dripped off of the ends of his hair plastered to his face, he looked completely retched and adrift. He held out his arms in a pleading fashion to his brother. "Please Dean just listen, you have to understand. I need to explain…."

Taking a few steps backwards imaginary Dean held up his hands in a clear 'don't touch me' gesture. "Explain?" He cut his brother off. "Explain? There is no explaining this Sam. Its sick and its beyond wrong and I can't believe you have been thinking this way for years. How did you get so twisted? Is this some left over demon blood thing? Is this a side effect of yellow eyes bleeding into you or something? because it sure as hell seems like evil to me. I'm your brother Sam, your god damn brother! And you tell me you love me and you want to be with me like that. What is wrong with you" He was screaming by this point wildly throwing his arms about clearly out of control.

"Please Dean, just listen…" Sam seemed to be struggling to stay upright his body swaying with emotional desperation and exhaustion.

"NO!" Imaginary Dean shouted in a deep terrifying voice which seemed to make Sam stop breathing in fear. "This is over Sam, we are over. Don't you ever dare come near me again. I never want to see you again and if I do I swear to god you won't know what hit you". He turned to leave without another look at Sam.

"Wait". Sam sobbed suddenly grabbing onto imaginary Dean's arm in utter despair. "We're still brother's Dean, please just…."

Again he was cut off but this time imaginary Dean's voice was quiet and icy cold somehow even more terrifying than before. "No we're not Sam, we're nothing now". Roughly pulling his arm out of Sam's tight grip he charged up the bank towards the Impala without another glance at his forlorn and broken hearted brother.

In silent horror Dean watched himself start the car and drive off at speed, only leaving deep tire marks to prove he had ever been there. Turning slowly he could hardly lift his eyes so upset by what he had just witnessed. His own heart cracked in two when he saw the look of desolation on his younger brother's face. "Oh Sammy" He said breathily, more than anything he wished he could throw his arms around his brother in comfort. He just looked so small, so alone, so broken.

Dean jumped in shock as another figure suddenly appeared behind Sam. He instantly recognised who it was with hatred.

Lucifer heavily placed a hand on one of Sam's shoulders which were still rising and falling in sobs. Sam's legs abruptly gave way, his knees splashing into puddles which had formed around him in the soft waterlogged dirt.

"There there Sammy" Lucifer's tone was anything but sympathetic and Dean hated him even more when he saw the huge smile spread across the Devil's face, "Don't cry poor baby, I told you that would happen if you ever told him. Didn't I warn you he would leave you all alone?" He shook his head in mock regret as he lowered himself down to kneel next to Sam. Lucifer pulled him into a tight hug and forced Sam's head onto his shoulder while stroking his soaking wet hair. Sam didn't make any move to pull away; on the contrary he almost seemed to sink limply into the grotesque embrace. Dean was horrified with the obscene display in front of him, bile rising from his stomach he continued to stand motionless unable to tear his gaze away.

Lucifer smiled and gently placed a kiss on top of Sam's head. "You need to forget about Dean ok Sam. He has gone and he is sure as hell not coming back for you. It's just you and me now, like it's supposed to be. He was just a distraction but now he has gone you are all mine Sammy like it should have been first time around in the cage. We are meant for each other and over time you will realise that Sammy. We have all eternity after all." He roughly held Sam out at arm's length and grabbed his chin tightly to force eye contact. A tiny cry of pain escaped Sam's lips, a sound which made Dean feel like his already broken heart had been stamped on.

Lucifer moved his face so it was only millimetres away from Sam's. Tightening his grip on Sam's chin further he spoke almost in a growl "You will love me Sam, I promise, I will make you love me."


	8. Dare To Believe

**Dare To Believe**

 **A/N: Sorry for slight delay in getting this chapter up but I hope it was worth the wait! Thank you to all the faves/followers and big thanks to those who have reviewed! It means a lot that people are actually reading this!**

 **P.S the reason I didn't post this last night was because me and my best friend were on YouTube all last night watching the Supernatural panel at Comic-Con! I think that's a perfectly valid excuse?! ...anyway...enjoy!**

Dean was crying. He couldn't feel the tears, couldn't hear any sound escaping his lips but he knew he was crying. The hideous scene he had been forced to watch just moments ago had slowly dispersed behind a silver grey curtain of water. Eventually even the rain had faded to black, total silence filled Dean's ears. He could feel empty nothingness surround him.

He was scared again for his brother. Sam's mind was now utterly vacant and Dean was praying every passing second that what he had just experienced hadn't just broken Sam beyond repair.

Dean's heart rate increased and his breathing was becoming more and more shallow. He was panicking as time slipped by with nothing to fill it.

"Come on Sammy, please." He whispered thinking that anything, any nightmare vision, was better than this airless void.

Dean jerked his head to his right thinking his ears had picked up a tiny sound from a long distance away. Only silence met him, maybe he had imagined it.

No, there it was again. He spun around now looking to his left sure this time that he had heard it. He wasn't sure what the sound was yet or exactly where it was coming from but it was something. Sam's mind hadn't given up yet, the thought comforted Dean ever so slightly.

As Dean waited impatiently for a repeat of the unidentified noise it felt like the silence was literally pressing in around him. His ears almost hurt with the build-up of pressure, it was a very uncomfortable feeling but he was trying not to let it distract him. Bobby had told him nothing could harm him here and he trusted Bobby with his life. Dean was safe but he knew Sam wasn't and that was slowly eating away at him. It wasn't working; this little adventure in his brother mind was achieving nothing but emotional pain and heartache for Dean.

Why had Sam suddenly snapped like that? Why was he trapped in here now? And what were those two conversations he had been witness to about? Dean thought he had a pretty good idea but he couldn't work out if Sam actually felt those things or if it was just a way for his shattered mind to torture itself.

Dean's heart rate picked up even more and he knew he would be sweating if he had the ability to. His mind was racing over all the evidence he had seen unfold in front of him.

In some ways Sam was much more open than Dean could ever be but he was well aware how well his younger brother could hide secrets if he wanted to or if he felt like he had to.

Could Sam possibly feel the same way Dean had felt virtually his whole life? Dean had loved his baby brother the second he had seen him, he might not have understood the magnitude of those emotions at such a young age but he knew he had felt it. For a long time Dean managed to convince himself it was the way all big brother's felt about their sibling, protective to a fault, pride in Sammy's achievements and wanting nothing but the best for him.

All that self-delusion had melted away the second he had seen Sam jump into the pit in that God damn cemetery, dragging Adam/Michael with him. In that second something in Dean had crumbled, he could feel it happening and he was powerless to stop it. The wave of regret that had flooded every fibre of Dean in that second had overwhelmed him, it almost made him give up breathing with the devastating realisation that he would never be able to tell Sam how he really felt. He had missed his opportunity forever.

His brother, his Sammy, the love of his life had just sacrificed himself to eternal hell and torment never knowing how much he really meant to Dean. How he was everything and all Dean wanted was to spend a lifetime showing him how utterly loved he was. A lifetime of realising how perfect he was in spite of his faults and past mistakes. A lifetime that they would never have together now that Dean was all alone kneeling on the ground which seconds ago had swallowed up his brother. He had never told Sam!

And then suddenly Sam was back, alive and well and hugging Dean with a smile which didn't reach his eyes and Dean knew something had changed. The moment had passed and couldn't be recreated, and Sam was different somehow even though Dean refused to acknowledge it to begin with because he was just so damn thankful his Sammy was back.

But it wasn't his Sammy at all, everything important was missing and it was actually just an empty shell of the man he loved. It had been torture seeing Sam every day but knowing he wasn't really there. Sam didn't even love him as a brother anymore let alone anything else. Fed him to a fucking vampire for fucks sake, how much pain could Dean possibly take?

He didn't blame Sam for that anymore; it was just the universes way of screwing with Dean. Maybe he was being punished for his feelings towards his brother because they were wrong and dirty and unnatural? But that was the thing that confused Dean the most because it wasn't unnatural, the way he felt about Sam. It was the most natural thing in the world; it was just how it was and how it should be. Dean and Sam were soulmates; even the angels had implied it, and Dean knew they were destined to be together.

They were destined to be together damn it! Dean thought angrily. He was sick and tired of hiding such as huge part of himself, denying the one thing that could bring him happiness. He could make Sam happy too, it was pretty much his life's work, nothing was more important to him than his brother. They could really be together if Dean could just work out how to rescue Sam from his own mind.

The powerful revelation and flood of hopeful feelings it brought with it were short lived as Dean suddenly realised things were taking shape slowly before his eyes. The movement in the dark was accompanied by a re-occurrence of the sound he had heard moments ago only now they were loud enough to make out.

Dean clenched his jaw tightly together as he listened to Sam's grief-stricken cries. As soon as he understood the sounds the vision in front of him came instantly and painfully into focus making him feel nauseated. Whether it was the action of forcefully being made to find focus after so long in the darkness or if it was the actual scene he was now witnessing which was making him feel sick he wasn't sure, although he would guess it was the latter.

A red hazy light blanketed everything. The smallish space Dean was standing in was surrounded completely by uneven walls that look like they were chard black and covered in a multitude of cracks all glowing an intense red almost white hot. He couldn't feel the heat but he knew it was there by how the air was rippling before his eyes.

None of this registered too deeply with Dean as his attention was firmly placed on what was in the centre of the hellish space. A metal table which looked disturbingly like a slab in a morgue was a few metres away from him. Heavy rusted chains were attached at both ends and at the middle, under these chains lay his brother. Sam's arms were cruelly fastened above his head and his legs were forced apart, one foot to each bottom corner of the table. Another was across his throat pressing into his flesh so it was obvious he was having trouble breathing properly.

Stepping forward a few paces slowly Dean was beyond horrified. Taking in the helplessness of this younger brother he realised with a shudder that Sam's shirt had been torn open exposing his sweat drenched chest and his jeans had been unzipped exposing his now ripped boxers.

Dean once again was forced to swallow down the rising bile at the macabre scene. He could feel his own mental stability gradually being taken to pieces by what he was being show in Sam's mind.

Turning his attention up towards Sam's face he was almost knocked backwards with the expression his brother was wearing. Sam had never looked so scared and helpless, panic was radiating off him to such a degree that Dean instinctively reached out to him to place his hand on Sam's shoulder. Dean's fingers kept going finding no substance to stop his hand from passing straight through his brother or the table.

Even though Dean should have known it would happen the crushing realisation of how useless he was here made him even more terrified, ice cold panic was starting to overwhelm him.

Lucifer's humourless chuckling signalled his unwelcome arrival. Dean held his breath trying to prepare himself for what was to come. He knew he had to stay to witness whatever was about to unfold. Even if Sam was totally unaware of his brother presence Dean refused to leave Sam with this abomination to face unimaginable torture alone.

"Well Sammy you're all settled in back where you belong, with me". Lucifer stared down at Sam with a hideous mockery of a smile on his face. "Are we having fun yet?" He asked while running his ash stained fingers down Sam's exposed chest paying special attention to the skin just above his boxers.

Quickly he lifted his fingers into his mouth and sucked on them enthusiastically. His eyes closed in a look of ecstasy. "Oh wow Sammy. Have I ever told you how erotic you taste? I could just eat you all up". Lucifer's eyes snapped open and looked straight into Sam's. "Oh wait, done that already". The obscene grin was back accompanied by a harsh laugh.

A small terrified whimper escaped Sam's lips as he tried to wriggle underneath the unrelenting weight of the chains holding him in place. Tears were running down Sam's face leaving a clear path through the soot and grime covering his skin. "Please…..don't" He managed to utter through his terror.

"Now now Sammy". The Devil replied as he was slowly lifting himself up onto the table placing his knees between Sam's forced apart legs. He leaned forward positioning his hands either side of Sam's head and lowered his head so it was mere inches away from the other man's face. Lucifer's attention was darting between Sam's eyes and his lips which were partly open in an attempt to breath in enough air. Almost gently Lucifer moved a strand of Sam's hair away from his ashen face. "You deserve this, you know you do". His hand was now holding the side of Sam's head, his fingers entwined in Sam's long hair.

"All you have ever wanted is you're brother. Do you know how sick and wrong that is Sammy? People like you deserve to be down here with me". His lips were still hovering painfully close to Sam's.

A tiny shake of the head was the only movement Sam could manage. "No". He breathed clearly in both physical and psychological pain. "Please…I can't help it…please". His chest was rising and falling now as his sobs became louder.

The Devil was obviously unmoved by the other man's pleas. "The thing is Sam, other people deserve to be down here with me but I'm really not interested in them, surprising I know. The only one I'm interested in is you. The moment I set eyes on you I wanted you; I knew we were meant for each other. The pain and pleasure I could show you could blow your mind Sammy".

Sam's breathing became even more laboured and his whole body was shaking uncontrollably with terror. He forced his eyes shut "Dean!" he cried in a broken and pleading voice.

"Get over it Sammy". Lucifer chuckled. "Dean's disgusted with you and long gone, he isn't coming back for you, EVER! Ok?" He suddenly stiffened as an idea formed in his head. "Unless…Maybe he doesn't have to be gone? Maybe if it would make this even more enjoyable for you and me of course, Dean doesn't have to be gone at all".

In an instance Lucifer no longer looked like himself, a perfect replica of Dean was now laying over Sam. Perfect except for the savage lust filled look plastered across his sneering face. "Is this better for you Sammy?"

Sam began to thrash about wildly on the table but still the chains held him, if anything they were slowly tightening digging deeper into his bruised flesh. Blood started to run down his body gathering on the metal table.

The hideous imitation of Dean lowered its body down until it was pressing and rubbing itself against Sam, a sound of pleasure fell from its lips. "Now what's going to happen Sammy" He stated breathily preoccupied with his body's actions "Is I'm going to tear those God damn clothes off of you, tear these God damn clothes off of me and then….finally….your big, heroic, self-sacrificing brother is going to fuck you into oblivion".

Sam screamed a wild tortured almost inhuman sound that sliced through the atmosphere and cut his brother to the bone. "No". Dean yelled just as loudly. Something inside of him had just snapped, he had never felt so much rage in his life. The all-consuming need to protect his younger brother was so great it was almost like it was a physical force pulsating throughout the room. "Sam!" he cried searching his brother's face for any recognition. "Sammy please". He screamed even louder with desperation all control lost, only the raw instinctive part of Dean's brain was working, totally focused on his brother.

Sam's focus suddenly shifted away from the nightmarish figure splayed over him and locked directly onto Dean's eyes. Bewilderment and hope swept across his tear stained face, unsure if he should trust what he had prayed for had actually come true.

"Dean?" He dared to believe.


	9. Let Me Dig Your Grave

**A/N: Well chapter nine was always planned to be the last chapter! But because of the lovely reviews it has received so far I thought I would extend the story slightly. Had to quickly think of another twist...hope you enjoy...**

 **Also must say a huge thank you to Cassidy for reading/spell checking etc, especially as the story is starting to freak her out!**

 **Let Me Dig Your Grave**

The brother's eyes were locked in on each other almost as strong as a physical bond. Both breathing heavily for a count of a few seconds which to them seemed to drag on for a painfully long time. Dean was searching Sam's face for some sign that he really believed that he was the real Dean, that it really was his big brother come to his rescue. He couldn't stand the thought of Sam feeling scared and all alone for another second.

Dean wanted to shout some reassurance, to run over grab Sam and get the hell out of here, to do something to make this nightmare stop. But for some reason he didn't move from the spot he seemed to suddenly be cemented to. He opened his mouth with great effort but nothing came out, he just stood there with his mouth hanging open with not so much as a whisper forming.

The panic which was so overwhelming a few moments ago somehow grew even more intense. Every muscle in Dean's body was working with the same goal, just get over to Sam, but still he couldn't move an inch. What the hell was going on?

Finally breaking eye contact with Sam he watched helplessly as a devilish grin slowly spread across evil Dean's sweat covered face. "Well what do we have here?" Lucifer/Dean said obviously surprised to see the other man appear seemingly out of the ether. He lifted his body up so he was straddling Sam both hands still in contact with the bound mans bruised chest.

"I've got to say Dean; I am pretty surprised to see you here. Me and Sammy here thought you had left for good, and yet here you are." His words were full of anger and barely contained lust. His hands started to move up and down Sam's chest, his fingers digging in caused another whimper to escape Sam's lips. Sam's eyes had still not moved from Dean's face, he obviously couldn't stand to look at the figure perched over him.

Lucifer/Dean seemed to sense the loss of attention. He looked down at the man spread out underneath him. "Look at me Sam." Getting no response his anger erupted, he grabbed Sam's chin with one claw-like hand, so brutally blood instantly started to pool under his nails. "I said look at me, not him! It's me you want; I'm the one who can give you what you want. Give you what you need. He could never make you feel the things I'm going to make you feel. We deserve each other." A softer smile broke across his face, maybe to try and look less threatening, even loving, though it was clearly only a mockery of love.

Sam started to sob again, his whole body shaking from head to toe, no longer able to see his brother, if it really was his brother. Surely if it was the real Dean he would have done something to help by now. Sam knew he disgusted Dean; their last encounter had made that excruciatingly clear. But surely Dean wouldn't just sit back and let this torture happen? Did Dean hate him so much that he thought this is what Sam had coming to him? To be sexually assaulted by the Devil wearing a Dean costume.

Sam's heart broke. He thought it had been shattered into a million pieces back at the river when Dean had driven away leaving him, but this was so much worse. All Sam wished for now was an end to this, an end to him. He didn't want to live with this unbearable pain any longer. The only person he had truly loved his whole life, the person who was his life, was compliant in his brutalization.

Sam let out a scream of grief and all-consuming sorrow, his mind so numb it was no longer able to form meaningful thoughts.

Lucifer/Dean gleefully chuckled. He leaned back over pressing down on top of Sam. Placing his hands to either side of Sam's head he stared into his eyes and nodded. "Do you get it; he has come to watch us. Wow, this must be so good for you Sammy, like a fantasy or something." His voice was breathy with obvious excitement and then he brought his lips crushing into the other mans. Sam's mouth was filled by an ice cold forked tongue, moving and jabbing in no rhythm, teeth smashing into his. He was conscious of bitter saliva mixing with the iron taste of his own blood; the reflex to retch was instant and overwhelming.

Dean watched in horror as Lucifer/Dean pulled away, crimson now smeared across his and Sam's mouths. The Devil jumped off the table and quickly started to pull off his stained t-shirt only breaking eye contact with Dean to yank it over his head. As he began to unzip his jeans Dean clenched his teeth together with so much force he wouldn't have been surprised if his jaw broke. He was now staring at the naked form of his own body a few feet in front of him. He wanted to look away and be sick but still he could not move.

A moment later his insides turned icy with fear as the vision of himself gently caressed his neck with dry calloused fingers, the other hand running through his short hair. Dean could feel it, how was this happening? Lucifer was a figment of his brother's imagination, he shouldn't be able to touch Dean, he was meant to be safe, Bobby had said so.

Pain suddenly shocked him out of his thoughts as Lucifer/Dean savagely grasped a handful of hair and pulled his head to one side exposing Dean's neck. So extreme was the angle Dean struggled to swallow, he could feel the muscles in his neck working in vain. The Devil watched as if fascinated then moved his eyes up to Dean's. "You really are beautiful Dean, almost edible; I can see what Sammy sees in you even though it's wrong. You know how wrong it is don't you; you must be repulsed by him." The Devil glanced over his shoulder checking Sam was paying attention to his little floor show. Satisfied with the tear stained horror filled face that met his gaze he returned his focus to the older brother still trapped in his grasp.

"Where was I Dean?" He pretended to think. "Oh yes, I was saying how truly edible you are." Agony exploded in Dean's neck as the Lucifer/Dean bit down and sucked at the exposed flesh. The pain was so intense his knees almost buckled underneath him but just before they did he felt his own body press against him, holding him up.

A thought flashed through Dean's mind, all he had to do was open his eyes, his real eyes. If he opened his eyes he would be back in Bobby's panic room safe and away from this hellish situation. He didn't have to be here experiencing this inhuman abuse. The thought was forcefully pushed from this mind; he did have to be here. Even if he couldn't really do anything for Sam he flatly refused to leave his brother to be tortured alone. If Dean had to accept he couldn't rescue Sam from this nightmare that was terrible beyond words. But abandoning him? That was never going to happen, not while Dean was still breathing.

Pulling away from Dean's now bleeding neck Lucifer/Dean raised an eye-brow. "You taste bitter Dean and full of desperation, don't get me wrong, I like that, it's uniquely…you." He laughed clearly enjoying himself. Thrusting out his blooded tongue he licked all the way up from Dean's chin up to and into his ear leaving a red sticky smear on Dean's paper white face.

"I hope I don't hurt your feelings but your baby brother, little Sammy, now his taste is something else. You really don't know what you are missing out on Dean. He tastes like everything that is good and sweet and wholesome has been put together and twisted into something so dark and disturbing it's intoxicating. It just keeps me going back for more every time. That's why I had to break out of the cage and come get me some more Sammy."

His body was shaking uncontrollably but Dean wasn't sure if it was from fear or pure rage, probably a mixture of both. He felt his lips move ever so slightly into a weak sneer, frustration at his helpless state was so strong it was turning into a physical pain.

Lucifer/Dean's shoulders slumped and he let out a deep cold breath straight into Dean's face causing the sticky smear to feel even more grotesque. "You're not feeling this are you Dean?" He shook his head with a dejected look. "I want to make this good for you Dean; you need this after all you have gone through. I want to help wipe your memory of that abomination." He sharply turned and pointed over to Sam still held down by the cruel metal chains, still crying with a pleading expression painted across his face; a look that was completely lost on the Devil.

Lucifer/Dean suddenly gave a harsh shout and loudly clapped his hands together. He had obviously had an idea or had read something from Sam, though to Dean his brother hadn't spoken a word. "You really do have a boy genius as a baby brother." The Devil returned his attention back to Dean, his voice taking on a more threatening tone. "Sammy has just given me the best idea. He never told you how he feels about you did he. Never told you how much he loved you in all the wrong ways, how he laid awake at night staring so hard at the ceiling he thought he might burn a hole through it with his mind. Doing all he could not to simply turn his head to watch you while you slept so innocently, so utterly oblivious to his smouldering dark desires." Lucifer/Dean's voice was like liquid sex dripping from his full crimson stained lips. "Wanting all of you all to himself, hungry and selfish…and so jealous of the one you really wanted. Sammy wasn't delusional; he knew he could never have you. It was painful for him to watch you flirt and stare at pretty young girls but he could take it, he got used to it over all the years he had to endure it. But then he came along and stole your attention." The anger was building in the Devils voice. "He swooped in and robbed Sam of your little looks of affection, this new usurper silently listened to your closely guarded secrets which were no longer shared with Sammy in confidence. Sam knew he was losing you piece by piece and he was powerless to stop it because he shouldn't have mourned the loss of something he had no right in wanting in the first place."

Spittle flew onto Dean's face as he listened in confusion and fear. Dean was looking into the face of himself worn by Lucifer, but it was all really just a manifestation of his brother's mind. The words spoken by this hideous vision were the thoughts currently speeding through Sam's mind. What did this new twist in events mean? He had a feeling he wouldn't have to wait much longer to find out and a big part of Dean just didn't want to know.

Keeping intense eye contact with Dean for as long as possible Lucifer/Dean started walking in a semi-circle around Dean until he was directly behind him. He wrapping two powerful arms tightly around Dean's waist and pulled in towards him until the whole of Dean's back, ass and legs were in contact with the Lucifer/Dean's body. The older Winchester mentally tried to struggle free with new vigour as he felt hardness pressing between his ass cheeks. Still unable to move an inch he returned his attention to Sam, he could get a better look at him now that the Devil wasn't standing between them. What he saw didn't make him feel any reassurance. Sam looked so tired and broken Dean was scared that he had already given up. If Sam had accepted this is truly where he belonged and wasn't going to fight it would probably make Dean's job much harder. Harder but sure as hell not impossible. Dean was here to get Sammy and he wasn't leaving without him. Whatever the Devil had in store for them Dean needed to think up a plan and quickly.

Dean's own voice coming from behind him interrupted his frenzied thoughts. "I promise you will enjoy this Dean, you can thank me later for fulfilling this little fantasy of yours. And thank Sammy; it was kind of his idea after all. It will break his pathetic little heart to watch it happening right in front of him of course. But he needs to suffer for all his sins and we know how to make him really suffer don't we Dean, and hey if we get to have some serious pleasure in the process what's bad about that? Hold on tight big brother you're in for one hell of a ride."

Dean could feel something changing, the arms wrapped around him and the body pressed so closely up against him were shifting. It was a terrifying sensation made worse by the fact that it was all happening behind him out of his line of sight. He knew he wouldn't be able to crane his neck to get even a glimpse of anything behind him so instead Dean tried to re-establish eye contact with his brother hoping the action would bring a tiny bit of comfort to them both. Comfort Dean certainly did not get.

Sam's face was twisted into a look of pure and utter devastation and revulsion. He was looking just beyond Dean and slightly to the left, obviously looking at the thing that had Dean so firmly in its grip. "Please…don't." Sam begged with a weak and trembling voice. "Do what you want with me but please don't do this, just don't, please."

Dean had thought he would have been happy to hear his brother talk again. It should have been reassuring to know Sam was still with it enough to think and talk aloud. All Dean felt now though was a sinking feeling like he was slowly being sucked deeper into this terrible nightmare. His lungs were burning like he had forgotten to take a breath in the last hour and his skin tingled with hyper-sensitivity.

"Well enough with the build-up already." A too familiar voice breathed into Dean's blooded ear. Realisation hit Dean like a ten ton weight to the chest, he silently pleaded to anyone or anything to not let this happen.

The tight grip was released from around Dean's waist as Sam became to shake anew with sobs staring helplessly at what his older brother was about to experience. The figure slowly moved from behind Dean still naked but now clothed in a different skin. Dean's worst fears were confirmed as bile started to work its way up his sore throat.

It was an exact copy, the voice and appearance were perfect, if only the figure wasn't completely naked Dean would have sworn it was him. Only the eyes were wrong, cold and hard, nothing like the real thing.

"Get down on your knees Dean." Castiel's harsh voice commanded.


End file.
